Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
