I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
