Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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