you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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