just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
3pm strippers are depressing
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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