apparently the secret to your success is patron
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
