She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
