I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
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Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
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Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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