i just sent this text using only my big toe
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
