Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
