I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
