I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
