so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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