The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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