So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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