I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
