Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
