i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
