Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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