my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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