Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
