I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
