no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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