I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
so much tequila, so little girl.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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