If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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