I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
