haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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