First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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