Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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