i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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