I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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