life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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