Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
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I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
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I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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