dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
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Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
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I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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