Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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