Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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