i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
