I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
