she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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