Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
