Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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