if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
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