Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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