There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
