I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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