I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Randomize
