But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
