he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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