im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
