If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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