Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
