Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
