I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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