I feel like abortions should bother me more
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
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STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
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I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat