It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
