By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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