he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He felt like a one man threesome
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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