i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
